


Illness of the mind

by deii



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: AU, Angst, Angst with a happy-ish ending, Drug Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, Ryan is Death, Serial Killer, Shyan Secret Santa 2019, Smoking, Suicide Attempt, Supernatural - Freeform, Supernatural Ryan Bergara, shane is stupid and in love, shyan, welp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21953755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deii/pseuds/deii
Summary: You knew what people do when they see you. You knew what my fate has become.You couldn't do shit Ry, couldn't you?You couldn't do anything about the thing that you created.Isn't that right, Ryan?You knew what I will eventually become. And you let it happen.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara & Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 1
Kudos: 48
Collections: Shyan Secret Santa 2019





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [isultoktok](https://archiveofourown.org/users/isultoktok/gifts).



> I hope you'll like my present, lovely.

I was 7 then, that time when we first met?

Do you remember? I hope so. 

My brother and I were in the wrong part of the town, he said he had some business but couldn't leave me alone at home.

Imagine if he left me, Ry? Can you imagine never meeting me?

It would be a blasphemy. 

I don't remember what happened after. I don't remember what happened before.

All I remember is you.

My brother was on the ground, and he was bleeding, and I remember choking on my own tears. 

You came out of nowhere, you just appeared, didn't you, baby? 

God, you were so gorgeous. 

You were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

You ignored me, like I wasn't there. All you saw was my brother, and that bullet hole on his forehead.

I asked you what you were doing through sobs.

You were so beautiful in your silence.

I kept sobbing, and you just did your job. 

Only before you left did you tell me: "Take care, little one."

You knew what people do when they see you. You knew what my fate has become.

You couldn't do shit Ry, couldn't you?

You couldn't do anything about the thing that you created.

Isn't that right, Ryan?

You knew what I will eventually become. And you let it happen.


	2. Chapter 2

Throughout the years I became obsessed with the thought of you. 

I knew who you were, of course I did, after all, don't we all? Somewhere inside our minds we recognizes you, we recognize that ancient gaze, those ancient eyes, that chill that runs down our spines.

You told me reincarnation isn't real, but why do we recognize that taste of dread?

You carry that smell of rotten flowers and metal surprisingly well, Ry.

I found you in books and stories, even inside movies and songs, and I kept finding out more and more, putting the pieces together.

I found out about Steven when I was 13, and I immediately knew he was like me, he was just like me, hell, he even described you like I remember you, he even described that feeling of dread mixed with joy I felt when I saw you.

What a sad thing, to idolize a serial killer, because he too was as fucked up as you.

I craved to see you, Ry, I craved to talk to you, to learn about you, but I knew you only come when someone's soul is near being lost, when someone is near dead. 

Even then, I loved you, you know?

I did what I had to do.

I burnt down my family house with my parents and sister inside when I was 14.

I saw you in between the flames, I saw you looking at me.

I knew you were aware that I see you. Did you know about my obsession too?

Of course you did. You know fucking everything. Sometimes I hate you for it.

I ran to you. I wanted to touch you, I wanted to feel your skin, I needed to know if it was soft or leather, I needed to kneel before you, I had to worship you.

I ran to you, and I grabbed your hand, and I swear I could see pity in your eyes for a second, but in that moment, I could swear I was holy. 

Later you told me I was cursed, but I didn't believe you. I couldn't. 

They had to pull me out of the ruins that night. 

They told me I was freezing cold. Nothing could make my body temperature go up, and now when I think back, maybe that was your fault. 

Your hand was so cold.

You are so cold, Ry, but you are so beautiful, and I couldn't handle that.

I am so happy I got to see you again.


	3. Chapter 3

I saw you again at 16, but it wasn't how I planned.

I wasn't sure if you come when one is near death, but I had to find out. I had to touch you once again, I had to finally properly talk with you.

I had to.

So I poisoned myself with alcohol and pills, on a lonely train station, and I hoped you'd show up.

You showed up.

"What did you do to yourself kid?" You asked, and I swear I could hear the disappointment in your voice.

"Don't be like that." I barely whined out, and you kneeled near me, examining the bottles that were at my feet.

"You shouldn't have done this, it was very dumb of you, little one."  
"Well I do a lot of dumb shit."

Something sparked in your warm eyes, and you laughed.

It was so haunting, yet so beautiful, a chill ran down my spine.

"You're kinda like Steven, you know. He also did bullshit like this." You tilted your head, and I laughed.

Every breath hurt.

"I read about him."  
"I know you did, but that is not my business right now. I won't take you yet, I can't, it's too soon."  
"Please don't leave me." I whined like a kicked animal, and I saw the slightest hint of smile.

You're so cruel when you want to be.

"I have to go, Shane."

I never told you my name.

The ambulance came for me ten minutes after I passed out.

I did the same thing two more times that year, but you didn't show up.


	4. Chapter 4

When I turned 17, I was in the orphanage, and I was the one who found Sara. 

She was my roommate, and she was so, so sweet, and now she was on a noose.

She was my best friend.

I knew I should be sad, but the thought of seeing you erased every trace of emotions.

I wasn't sure I can feel anything but that sickening desire to be near you.

It was too late for anyone to check on us, so I sat on my bed and waited.

It took you longer than usual to come. When you showed up, I was almost asleep.

"Did you do this?"

I jumped, staring at you blankly.

"No, I just found her. She was my roommate."   
"Huh, Steven already started at your age. Maybe there is some hope for you."  
"Uh... Thanks?" 

You laughed.

"You were her dying thought, you know. She loved you. Thought of you as the only person who cared for her."

What a sad truth that I didn't care as much as she thought.

"I didn't know that." I replied.

"Of course you didn't." I saw that familiar coldness in your eyes. It burned.

"How old are you anyways? You look barely 20." I leaned to the side, to see what were you doing to her body, but you turned and blocked my view.

"I am older than you can fantom, little baby, and I really am not someone you should stick around too much."

"That will be up to me to decide, I think." I said, and you looked up, and there was so much pity in your pretty eyes.

"At this rate, you will end up pretty far down under, kid."

And you know, I wasn't aware then how true that was.

Steven murdered his family when he was 12, started serial killing when he was 17.

Took them 10 years to catch him. 

I killed my first at 18.

Looks like there was no hope for me after all.


	5. Chapter 5

At 18 I was a murderer. At 19 I was gone and wasted and scrubbing blood off my hands.

At 20 I became a kill for hire.

It was the best job I could ask for, but I knew you didn't approve.

I didn't care.

No other job could get me to be close to you, and I needed you near.

I had to have you near. 

Everytime I saw you, you had that look of disappointment on your face, but you still talked as if nothing happened.

I want to thank you for that, Ry. 

I hated staying near corpses for too long. There was something disturbing about the way they stared at me, accusing, but I had to wait for you, I had to see you, to talk with you. 

I remembered the last time I killed. I remember the last time you saw me with blood splattered clothes.

You were late. I am now sure you did that on purpose.

I went outside to lit up a cigarette, poison myself a little bit more. 

I wanted so desperately to be with you as soon as possible.

I put out the cigarette, went inside back inside, and there you were.

I wrapped my arms around your waist, clinging to you, feeling the cold of your body against my burning skin.

"That will kill you one day." You said, not looking up from the corpse.

"That's the point."

You sighed, turning around to face me.

I kissed you. You didn't kiss back, you never did, but you never told me to stop.

As much as you lie to yourself, I think you were lonely, and you liked the warmth against your dead skin too sometimes.

Your lips were soft, and so, so cold and had a bluish tint, and I tugged your blonde hair a bit, and then I let go.

"Are you done with your work?" I asked, and I raised my fingers to touch your porculain skin.

"Yes."  
"This is goodbye then. Until next time."  
"Goodbye, Shane."

I had no idea that it will be the last time you saw me alive.


	6. Chapter 6

Shane's death wasn't unexpected. I knew it will happen, I just forgot how soon it will be.

He didn't even get to 22, and it was all his fault.

It was so fucking stupid of him. He was so fucking stupid.

He was a stupid kid in love, and he killed himself for that same bullshit.

Humans are so ridiculous. 

Steven was similar, but he didn't get the chance to burn himself down before he got arrested.

I never got what made them so fascinated with me, I've been here for milleniums and I never got it.

I let Shane wait on me a little, I had to calm myself down, and when I finally came, he was sitting on the edge of the cliff, swinging his legs like a child.

"Am I finally going with you?" He sounded so excited to be dead, and I felt something in my gut turn.

"You are." I answered, and he stood up, giving me a kiss and grabbing my hand.

I kissed back this time.

Only this one time.

He was so stupid.

His corpse had a wide grin across it's face, and for a second, I felt pity.

The dead boy next to me smiled, and gripped my hand tighter.

I forgot how cold they get when they're dead.


	7. Chapter 7

"Lim, you got a visit." 

Steven looked up from the book, empty gaze pointed at the security guard.

Shane sat in the visiting room, tapping his foot against the concrete floor.

He jumped a bit when Steven sat across him.

"Uhh, hello, Steven. I'm Shane." Steven eyed Shane down, eyes lingering on his tattered clothes and tired eyes. 

Steven smiled, and Shane thought about how wolf-like it seemed.

"Hello, Shane. I'm Steven."  
"Oh, I-, uh, I kinda, kinda already know?"

Steven raised an eyebrow.

"I read your book." Shanw blurted out.  
"Oh? Did you like it?" 

"Ah, yeah I did! It was, uh, well, interesting."

Steven frowned, a flash of something ancient in his eyes.

"You see him too, don't you?"

Shane nodded, head bowed down. He missed the way Steven eyed down the slits on his arms and the trace of a rope around his neck.

"I see you're already half way gone."

Shane just nodded again.

"I am sorry, Shane."  
"I'm not."  
"Of course you aren't. I'm not either. That's just what happens when you love Ry, I guess."

Shane gazed up, confused.

"Ry?"

Steven narrowed his eyes.

"That's his name, or at least the one he gave me. Ryan. Did you never ask for his name?"

"I-I kinda assumed he didn't have one?"

Steven laughed, first time in a while.

The security guard pulled Shane away before Steven could answer.

He stared at the kid who smiled and waved at him.

Steven smiled back, something predatory back in his grin.

It was always amusing to see a walking corpse.


End file.
